The other day I was introduced to the term catfishing. According to the Urban Dictionary, it means:
“The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships (over a long period of time).”
Fittingly, this post is not really about catfishing. But there is a related phenomenon where someone puts up photos on their social media profile that aren’t indicative of how they really look:
That’s also not what this post is about. There is an even more remotely related phenomenon where people work intensely on their physical appearanc until they lure in a mate, and then they let it all go:
Now we are getting a bit closer to what this post is about, so let’s pause for a moment and analyze. Should we pretend to be someone that we’re not (i.e., someone who is always impeccably stylish and effortlessly beautiful) in order to initiate a relationship?
Pros
- These days (i.e., in the Tinder age), you will never never get a second look unless you are physically attractive.
- It takes a while for someone to get to know who you really are. You can’t expect someone to “bite” at your personality right at first, but if they are attracted, you can use their interest to develop a deeper relationship
Cons
- It’s a slippery slope to always say to yourself “it’s not the right time to be myself.” The dating process could last years…decades, even. Am I going to pretend that whole time?
- If they are so shallow that they “swipe left” because of the real me, I don’t really want to date them. It’s a filtering mechanism!
When I was in my dating years, I probably erred a little on the “keep it real side”. I was in decent physical shape, but not ripped, and I didn’t pay attention to my clothes much at all. I figured the right person would be more interested in my way of thinking. Or maybe I just have a terrible sense of style. Luckily, Mercedes was interested in my way of thinking. And I really do mean luckily. In hindsight, I think I relied a little too much on luck.
I feel for those who haven’t found the right person, a person who truly values them for who they are. But my advice? Don’t rely on luck as much as I did. Don’t go crazy making it all about your personal appearance, but stay in shape and budget some money for clothes. Maybe try something like Rent the Runway or Stitch Fix. Finding a companion is one of the most important things you will ever do in your life, so don’t handicap yourself. Instead, invest a little time an money to improve your chances.
And my message to future Alberta: if you meet a guy who prides himself on his intellect, go out of your way to read, listen and compliment him on his ideas. Act interested. As with your appearance, you don’t have to be someone you are not, but go just a little bit out of your way to understand what he is interested in and compliment him about it.
Mercedes was a master at this. She read all of my essays, watched Battlestar Galactica, and even played an extended series of online Axis and Allies with me. I was very impressed. As our relationship progressed, we substituted Game of Thrones for Battlestar Galactica, and we started playing Settlers of Catan instead of Axis and Allies. Her nerdiness wasn’t a lie, but initially she played it up for my sake. She still reads my essays (and is still very attractive herself).
Now for the real point of this post…
I mentioned that putting your best foot forward when dating was “closer” to what this post is actually about. So what is it about? It’s about me, of course, and I’m not dating! What I am doing is trying to build “thick” relationships with those who are most important to me.
It’s not as obvious outside the dating context, but whenever we want to take a relationship to deeper level there is going to be tension between who we are, and who the other person wants us to be. Should I pretend to be more reliable and detail oriented than I really am to impress my employer? Should I pretend to be more financially secure and ambitious to impress my family? Should I pretend to be more fun to impress my daughter, or my other friends?
My advice for myself is similar to what I would say to someone who is dating: Yes, pretend a little. But don’t think of it as pretending. Think of it as an opportunity to play a certain role that fills a need the other person has. You don’t have to take it too far, but use the relationship as motivation to get your shit together just a little bit. Be a little more reliable, a little more focused on making money, and a little more fun until the relationships you want have reached the next level.
