Yesterday Mercedes and I wanted to go for a walk. So we told Alberta to get her shoes and come with us. At first she delayed, then she said she was hungry, then tired, and then basically just threw a fit and refused to move an inch.
How do you deal with this shit?
I can think of four primary tactics:
- Emotional Manipulation (i.e., guilt)
- Negotiation (i.e., bribery)
- Brute Force
- Concession
I think a healthy power struggle with a child involves all four. Also, fun fact: Apparently, the word tantrum might derive from a Tamil word for strategy. Fitting. Plus, how many words do we use that derive from Tamil?
Emotional Manipulation
Our primary attack in yesterday’s battle was emotional manipulation:
“Alberta, I do so much stuff for you. I even bought you that Barbie you wanted the other day. Now I want this one thing? Are you going to be selfish?”
The problem is, Alberta is better at it than I am. Her response:
“Dad, do you want me to be sad? No, just answer me. Do you want me to be sad? BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING ME SAD RIGHT NOW!”
In my view, emotional manipulation is a key strategy for keeping kids in line, but it has it’s disadvantages. If is it used too often, for too long, it can create distance in a relationship. If a child associates interacting with parents with feelings of guilt, they will eventually seek to distance themselves when they are free to do so. Also, it can harm their self esteem.
However, the ability to use guilt is also a sign of a healthy relationship. A child feels guilt to the extent that they feel responsibility. I believe it is important to develop a sense of family identity that comes with a strong sense of responsibility. If this exists, it can be leveraged at important times to make sure members of the family act in the best interests of the family. If not, the guilt trip won’t work.
Interestingly, Alberta is just as adept at feeling guilty herself as she is at making me feel guilty. Once she has gotten her way (or decided that her fate is sealed) she is pretty quick to transition from tantrum to contrition:
“I’m sorry dad, sometimes I just can’t control myself. I’m so, so sorry. I love you. You’re the best dad, ever…”
Also, I should distinguish between guilt and shame. There are probably a hundred different ways to differentiate these two siblings, but for present purposes I am going to define the difference thus:
Guilt is feeling bad about what you are doing (or have done).
Shame is feeling bad about who you are.
So shame would be saying things like “you are stupid” or “you are such a terrible child”. I don’t think shame is very useful in a power struggle with children. If they are just bad, doing what you want them to do isn’t going to change that. If their actions are bad, changing them can relieve the guilt.
So shame tactics should be avoided, and usually the guilt should remain small in scale. For example, you might try saying something as simple as “you agreed to do X” or “in our family we do Y”. I can imagine moments when full on power guilt trips are useful, but they should probably be kept to a minimum.
Negotiation
The second tool in our arsenal is bribery: “if you come with me on a walk, you can get a barbie!”
Any parent knows this is an indispensable tool. It is often the only thing that works, and it can be used well into your child’s adult years.
But it can also get out of hand. How many barbies do I need to buy this little rent-seeker? Plus, if your relationship is purely transactional, you may inhibit the growth of their sense of personal responsibility. I don’t want my relationship with my daughter to be primarily determined by the laws of supply and demand. What if I’m not the highest bidder?
In yesterday’s case I felt the time wasn’t right to offer her a bribe, but I did come to a conclusion: it is time to create a more formal negotiation structure. So I set up a checking account for Alberta and decided that whenever I want to bribe her I am going to just show her the checking account and tell her how much her concession is worth.
I’m not sure how it will work long term, but this morning I did offer her $1 to brush her hair without a fuss and it went over pretty well. She spends a fair amount of time curating a wishlist on Amazon, so she has no trouble translating something abstract (like money) into dreams of a coveted barbie wheelchair (or whatever her latest desire is).
One final thing I want to say about bribery is that it should be coupled with a sense of responsibility to the family. You can try saying something like “this is your responsibility as a member of our family, and if you fulfill your responsibilities you are entitle to the benefits.” If the relationship is too transactional, it won’t work, but if coupled with the right mix of other techniques, I think payments can actually help facilitate a sense of family unity.
Brute Force
This one is pretty obvious, and although spanking and other forms of corporal punishment are pretty passe, plenty of brute force techniques remain.
For example, yesterday I contemplated (and ultimately decided against, although it was a close call) just picking Alberta up, grabbing her shoes and taking her with me. She would have struggled for a bit, but once she got that out of her system she probably would have apologized and enjoyed the walk.
So why didn’t I? One of main issues with Brute Force is that it can make us lazy. Of all the tools in my toolbox, it is going to be obsolete the soonest. There are certain emergency cases where we just have to do it, but if we fall back on force too often we will be pretty helpless once it is not longer appropriate. So, while very useful, I pretty much try to reserve it for emergencies.
Concession
Last, but not least, we can concede. I actually think it is essential to do this every so often, and ultimately it is what we decided to do yesterday.
Why is concession important?
As kids grow, they become more and more concerned about feeling empowered. They realize they can’t control the world around them and it becomes frustrating. And this is a good thing — it is good for kids to feel frustrated, and then empowered. One of the main things they have power over is their parents. If they don’t feel like they have any power over their parents they will begin to feel alienated.
If you never concede, your child will not feel like they are part of a family decision making process, which means eventually they won’t want to be part of a family at all. Thus, I hypothesize that if you don’t concede to your children, your power over them will wane faster than if you do.
Timing
With all of this in mind, what is my overall strategy? Well, here’s a flowchart:
Obviously this is a little oversimplified, but it’s a decent place to start. What do you think?
Edit: it has been brought to me attention that there is a completely different strategy that I haven’t considered: persuasion. I think that means you try to convince your child that there are benefits of compliance that they aren’t considering. I’ll have to give it a shot.
