- note: when googling images for “thick relationships” the results were not appropriate for this post, so there will be no image today.
My mother-in-law, Bonnie, recently pointed me to this article by David Brooks in the NYT. The title is Five Lies Our Culture Tells. Here they are:
- Career success is fulfilling
- I can make myself happy
- Life is an individual journey
- You have to find your own truth
- Rich and successful people are worth more than poorer and less successful people
The common theme seems to be that individual achievement isn’t really the key to happiness. One quote stood out to me:
“ People looking back on their lives from their deathbeds tell us that happiness is found amid thick and loving relationships”
So what is a “thick” relationship? If they are so important, shouldn’t we devote more attention to understanding what they are and how they could possibly be more important than things like career success and finding your own truth?
Brooks probably tells us a little more about what he thinks it means in his new book, The Second Mountain. I haven’t read it, but here is an excerpt from the amazon recap:
“ David Brooks explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community. Our personal fulfillment depends on how well we choose and execute these commitments”
This seems a little vague. Admittedly, I haven’t read the book, but do we need more platitudes about how we should recommit to family, career, faith and community?
Maybe, but right now what I want is just a definition of a thick relationship. So I am going to propose my own. A thick relationship is defined by three characteristics:
- Depth
- Functionality
- Commitment
Depth
A thick relationship is one that has layers. That is, it involves engagement on a variety of level. It is not so much about any one particular layer being deep. For example, you know that one person who you can talk to about your most deep spiritual experiences? Your relationship with them still isn’t deep unless you also engage with them on other layers.
So, you know how we often compartmentalize our lives into separate boxes for work, family, church, politics, health, etc? That harms our ability to develop deep relationships.
Functionality
A thick relationship is functional. It provides something that, if we didn’t get it from a friend, we would pay for anyway. Alternatively, it is something that is related to how we make money (i.e., related to our career).
If a relationship isn’t functional, it just doesn’t seem as real. Plus, we have a limited amount of time and energy, and if something isn’t providing a benefit, there will always be a time when our brain wants to downsize in order to save energy…and the relationship will be at risk.
Also, even if individual achievement can’t really make us happy, achievement is important. So we should be engaged in trying to achieve great things, just don’t try to do it alone or you will end up, well, alone.
Commitment
A thick relationship is committed. There have been moments in my marriage when things got hard and I couldn’t really see how some really fundamental conflicts would get resolved. So what holds things together at times like that? Commitment. Even if a relationship is deep and functional, it isn’t always going to feel like it. So in order for it to survive, it needs to be grounded in something besides pure functionality.
Quantity
If we want thick relationships to more than a platitude, we are going to need some kind of theory about how to create them, and that requires something a little more concrete than the vaguish principles listed above. One of the big questions we is how many thick relationships we ought to have.
I have previously proposed three layers of thickness: the nuclear family, the inner circle, and the outer circle. The nuclear family should be clear enough. The inner circle should be limited to about 3–12 people that we engage with on a many levels and depend on substantially, and our outer circle(s) consist of those groups that we engage with on fewer levels, with less dependence, and less commitment.
The reasons for limiting the scope of our thick relationships to this number are that first, our brains are limited in the number of intimate relationships we can maintain, second, developing these relationships takes time, and third, after a certain point the more “thick” relationships we have the more dilute each of them becomes so if we have too many they may become too dilute to really count.
Concentrating Relationship Slots
Ok, so once you identify someone that is a candidate for a thick relationship, how do you proceed? Well, you have to identify what kinds of relationship “slots” you have, and how you can concentrate some of them. A relationship slot is basically a combination of a need or activity and time dedicated for that purpose. For example, you may have “slots” related to your career, reproduction, education, health, food, politics and entertainment needs.
If you can’t devote several slots to a particular relationship, I don’t think it can really ever become “thick”. So there you have it. My theory is that you need thick relationships, and if you aren’t seeking them out you are doing it (i.e., life) wrong.
